Office Politics

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Office Politics
A full-length comedy

Office Politics
Cast of Characters

Devon McKnight Creative Director at B, B and B, she is dressed as a hit man (male drag).

Jack White Owner of B, B and B, he is not dressed for Halloween.

Diana LaForge The new art director, she is dressed in women's business attire.

Charles Sommers Chief art director at B, B and B, he is married to Laura. He is dressed for Halloween.

Laura Sommers A copywriter, she is dressed for Halloween.

Peter Sullivan An art director with a flare for the effeminate. He is dressed in drag.

Jamie Jordan A copywriter, Jamie is Brett's ex.

• • •

Scene
The creative department of B, B and B, an advertising agency.
There are three rooms: Brett's office, the art room and the reception area.

Time
Halloween night in the present.

Note
This play is primarily a farce, but we all know that farces rely on the truth of their subject for their humor. The characters like each other, and use their surerity of their friendship and love to tease, flirt and annoy each other. There is real love and affection here. This play is also a constant sexual dance — if flirtation, innuendo, double entendres of a sexual sense are possible, that is what it’s all about when you’re dealing with Office Politics.

Act I

SETTING: The creative department at B, B & B, Advertising. There is an art room, with a closet and various artist's implements and drawing areas. In DEVON's office there is a desk, with a picture of DEVON and JAMIE, together. In the reception area are a telephone and a table with food and booze. Various other props and set are optional. Both the art room and DEVON's office are accessible via the reception area.

AT RISE: LAURA, in costume, is in the reception area fiddling with the food and booze and PETER, in drag, is in the art room with JAMIE and CHARLES. DEVON, dressed as a hit man, with a very noticeable bulge in her pants, is in her office. She is juggling, occasionally stopping to write notes on a pad on her desk. JACK and DIANA enter the reception area.

JACK
(To Diana)
Don’t worry honey, everything will be fine.

Diana
I don’t like having to do this — I didn’t want to use you, I want to make it on my own.

Jack
Sweetie, I know that, but why should you spend years answering the phone at some agency just to get your foot in the door when I can get you right in like this?

Diana
Well...

Jack
Diana, dearest, in this dog-eat-dog world, you gotta take whatever you can. You’ve gone professional, babe.
(He walks into Devon’s office without knocking. Assessing the situation)
Hard at work again, eh Devon?

DEVON
(Not stopping)
It may not look like it, but I am currently comparing and contrasting — cross-referencing, if you will — current Macintosh users with current PC users in order to determine the exact message to send to a precise demographic profile.

JACK
(Pause. Watches DEVON)
The stupid part is that I believe you.
(Pause. Watches her)
I have a little Halloween gift for you.

DEVON
(Not stopping)
Oh, really?

JACK
Yes.
(He looks around, then to DIANA, who is in the reception area)
Diana, dear, could you step in here for a moment?

(DIANA enters. DEVON stops juggling and slowly undresses DIANA with her eyes, while Diana notices the bulge in DEVON’s pants)

DEVON
(With a grin)
Ooo, Jack, you shouldn't have!

DIANA
Hello. Nice to meet you.

(DEVON kisses her hand)

JACK
Then you’re pleased?

DEVON
Quite.

Jack
She is quite a catch, isn’t she?

Devon
Most definitely!

JACK
(Pulling DEVON aside. DIANA looks around the office)
Now, I want you to take special care of her — she means quite a bit to me.

Devon
(Glancing over at DIANA)
I can see why!

Jack
So you’ll treat her extra special?

DEVON
Oh, you know I will take the very best care of her — you have my undying pledge on it.

JACK
And just wait’ll you see what she can do.

DEVON
She comes with the highest recommendations, hunh?

JACK
Oh, yes — you have my word on it.

DEVON
You haven’t seen her work, have you?

Jack
Well of course I have — you don’t think I’d hire her without seeing it, do you?

Devon
Well no, but...

JACK
Besides, Diana’s work can’t just be seen, it has to be experienced.
(Glances at watch)
Anyway, I must be going, so... Devon McKnight, I’d like you to meet your new art director, Diana LaForge.

DEVON
(Her gaze turning to ice. Containing her rage)
"My new art director?" Jack, you really shouldn't have.

Jack
You can thank me later.

Devon
Jack...

JACK
(Taking DIANA's portfolio, which he hands to DEVON)
And just wait'll you take a look at this...

Devon
Jack...

Jack
It is simply beyond words!

Devon
Jack...

Jack
But don’t they say that a single picture is worth a thousand words?

DEVON
(Tossing aside the portfolio. DIANA picks it up)
Jack — I'm your creative director — don't you think you should have checked with me first?

JACK
Devon, you know that although I am the president of this agency, I do usually value your opinion on all things creative...

Devon
As well you should...

Jack
But!

DEVON
But...? I don’t like buts... At least not that sort of buts...

JACK
But I do feel the highest interest and enthusiasm for Diana's abilities and works.

DEVON
But...
(JACK glares at her)
Oh. I see. So there’s nothing I can say to change this?

JACK
No, there is not.

DEVON
Jack, let’s be realistic — I can’t be responsible for the work of people I didn’t hire myself.

JACK
You are responsible for this department, as I am for this company. Things don’t always go the way we planned them. Grow up and get used to it.

DEVON
(Stamping feet)
I’m creative — I don’t have to grow up if I don’t wanna!

DIANA
Listen, if this is causing a problem...

JACK
No, Diana. Devon has to learn who is in charge.

DIANA
(Walks forward and takes DEVON’s hands)
Maybe if you just took a look at some of my work?

Devon
(Looking at JACK, pointedly)
I’ve already seen some of the results of your “work.”

(Pause. DIANA tries to hand DEVON the portfolio, and she brushes the “item”in DEVON’s trousers during this. DEVON gives DIANA a cold glare then pulls JACK aside to begin a whispered conversation. In the reception area, the phone rings. LAURA, who has been attempting toeavesdrop on JACK and DEVON, answers it)

LAURA
(Into phone)
B, B & B — Creative Department, hold please.

(LAURA places the call on hold and returns to eavesdropping. PETER walks up behind her. He puts his arms around her and they kiss)

LAURA
(Pulling away)
Peter! Charles is just in the art room!

PETER
So?
(He again pulls LAURA to him)
It just adds to the excitement.

LAURA
(Again pulling away. Turns to face PETER)
Is that all this is to you — some added excitement?

PETER
Not that I’m saying it is, but what would be a problem if it were?

LAURA
Things don’t work that easily for me, Peter. There needs to be more.

PETER
What more do you want? What more can I give you? You are already married, after all.

LAURA
I don’t see what that has to do with us.
(Looks away from PETER)

PETER
Oh, baby, you know how much you mean to me...

LAURA
Peter, do you really mean that?

PETER
Uh, yeah, I do.

(PETER pulls LAURA into a deep kiss. JAMIE enters wearing full Army fatigues and sees them. LAURA sees her and quickly pulls away from PETER)

PETER
(Dejected at LAURA's dismissal. Indicates DEVON’s office)
What's going on anyway?

LAURA
Jack hired a new art director without checking with Devon first.

JAMIE
Devon has got to be the most prima donna dyke I know.

PETER
(Suddenly noticing JAMIE’s presence)
How did you put up with her for so long?

JAMIE
My mother repeatedly dropped me on my head when I was a child.

LAURA
Was that before or after the lobotomy?

JAMIE
Oh, yes that’s right — lobotomies were still an acceptable form of psychiatric treatment when you were growing up, back in the days of the dinosaurs.

LAURA
I may be older than you, but at least I didn’t have to introduce my parents to my vibrator as their new son-in-law.

JAMIE
Peter, I hear congratulations are in order — your girlfriend here just learned how to eat with a fork and use multisyllabic words.

PETER
Oh, don’t get me involved in your little catfight. Cats do have claws, after all.

JAMIE
Unless they’ve been fixed and declawed, like some cats I know.

LAURA
Better’n being some sorta cat in heat.

JAMIE
What about a dog who humps the guests’ legs?
(To PETER)
Speaking of lobotomies — Peter, that has got to be the worst drag I've ever seen.

PETER
And I still look better than you ever could — even on a good day!

LAURA
(Smiling at JAMIE)
A piece of digested octopus would look better than her on a good day.

PETER
(Assessing JAMIE)
What I want to know is whatever happened to all that lesbian chic I was hearing about?

LAURA
(Before JAMIE can answer)
Peter, dear, it is considered the height of lesbian chic to have your combat boots properly spit-shined.

JAMIE
Two against one is not fair.
(Quickly, before anyone else can interject)
You two may like group sports, but I prefer things a touch more personal.

PETER
I try to get personal with everything I touch.

JAMIE
I know. I haven't seen my gerbil in weeks.
(Notices phone)
Who the fuck's on hold?

LAURA
I have no idea. I'm not the receptionist.

JAMIE
What happened to her, anyway?

PETER
Last time I saw her was last week — she was running down the hall screaming
(Mimics)
"I can't take it anymore!"

DEVON
(Hears this and yells from her office)
Then leave!

JAMIE
What did you
(Indicates PETER)
do to her?

PETER
Absolutely nothing. I thought she was referring to the color scheme.
(He looks around)
Or lack thereof.

JAMIE
Yeah, right.

LAURA
Whatever else could you mean, Jamie dearest?

JAMIE
(Sarcastically)
Why, Peter's practical jokes, of course.

LAURA
Personally, I thought it was quite funny when she was answering the phone "Baffled, Bewildered and Bemused."

PETER
What the hell else could B, B & B stand for?

JAMIE
It just would've been nice if she could have occasionally put the phone down.

PETER
It was not my fault. My hands were full of glue when I used it — that's why I used her phone instead of mine. You copywriters just don't understand what we art directors go through!

JAMIE
(To PETER)
You just don't like anyone you can't get anywhere with.

LAURA
He gets along with Devon just fine.

JAMIE
She'll fire him if he annoys her.

LAURA
(With a grin)
Then what about Charles?

JAMIE
My point exac...

PETER
(Cuts JAMIE off)
He'd stick me with all the shit jobs.

(The phone rings)

LAURA
(Answering it)
Hello, is Joe there?
(Pause, then she hangs up)
He wasn't there.

JAMIE
(Ever patient)
Laura, what if that was someone important?

LAURA
If it was anybody at all they would have known better than to call here.

PETER
I swear to god, Jamie, you're getting to be more and more like Devon every day.

JAMIE
Oh, yeah, right my ass — Is a bear Catholic? Does the pope shit in the woods?

LAURA
(Rubbing it in)
Y'know, Peter, it's grown even more pronounced since they broke up...

JAMIE
Laura, dearheart, you are even more disgusting than Devon's taste in wine.

PETER
I never could understand two copywriters together...

JAMIE
But two art directors are okay — hunh, Peter?

LAURA
What do you mean by that?

PETER
(Gives JAMIE a dirty look)
Nothing, she means nothing by that.
(Whispers to JAMIE)
Just because some of us aren't getting any doesn't mean the rest of us should follow on your quest for celibacy.

JAMIE
Just because I don't believe in flaunting my conquests like the rest of you doesn't mean I'm not getting any!

(PETER and JAMIE talk quietly with each other, while LAURA watches)

PETER
You need to learn to play the game, if you’re ever gonna get anywhere — in love, work or life.

JAMIE
Give the people what they want, eh?

PETER
You got that right. Tell’em what they want to hear. After all, haven’t you heard that the personal is the political? You do what you have to to get what you want.

JAMIE
But haven’t you heard that sometimes the good guys finish first?

PETER
(Smiles back at LAURA)
You go ahead and do whatever it is you want — but remember that I’ve got Laura, and in ten years, when you’re still working for Devon, I’ll be running my own creative department.

LAURA
All right, already, just what are you two up to?

JAMIE
We’re just discussing office politics — who’s doin’ who, who’s lyin’ to whom.

LAURA
I never would’ve figured you for the gossiping sort, Jamie dearest.

JAMIE
I don’t gossip. I just tell it like it is. If you’re looking for the latest gossip, maybe you should check with your boyfriend there.

(JAMIE exits into the Art Department)

PETER
(To LAURA)
She ain't getting any.

JAMIE
(Yells from Art Department)
I heard that!

PETER
(To LAURA, softly)
"Dearest," "Dearheart," what's up with you two?

LAURA
My god, Peter — you're not jealous of Jamie? The woman hates my guts!

PETER
I wouldn't count on it.

LAURA
What do you mean by that?

PETER
Oh, like you’ve never noticed how she looks at you...

LAURA
Stop finding packs of wolves where there’s a pile of dogshit.

PETER
What’s more, I’ve seen the way you look at her.

LAURA
I work with the woman, it would be rather rude if I never looked at her.

PETER
People discussing ad copy and layout don’t usually have that particular gleam in their eyes.

LAURA
Oh, give it up Peter — I don’t have a gleam in my eye when I’m with her — only you.

PETER
(Arms around LAURA)
So you never think of her when you’re with me?

LAURA
For chrissake’s Peter, I’m married to a man — don’t you think if I were a closeted lesbian, at least my lover would be a woman?

PETER
That might make sense...

LAURA
Well there you go.

PETER
But you still haven’t answered my question.

LAURA
Oh, give it up Peter! Can’t you see what you’re saying?

PETER
I’m not saying anything, I’m just asking a simple question!

LAURA
If I’m really a lesbian and I’ve chosen you for my lover, don’t you think that’s saying something? Especially with you dressed like that?

PETER
Yeah, it’s saying you’re mighty confused.
(Deliberately changing subjects)
I'm glad Jack hired a new art director — Charles and I have just been overwhelmed by the workload.

LAURA
Yes, but Devon runs the department. I mean, to Jack, a used car ad is the epitome of creativity.
(Pause)
So you think Jamie likes me?

PETER
Well... I... Haven’t you ever noticed the way the woman looks at you? Says your name?
(He slowly begins touching LAURA)
Or maybe you like it... Like flirting with her and keeping her going... Is that it? Is that your cheap thrill? Your excitement? Is that how somebody as straight-laced as you takes a walk on the wild side? By playing with a lesbian?

LAURA
Peter! Up until a few weeks ago, she was the boss’s girlfriend...

PETER
What difference does that make?

LAURA
Besides that, I’m straight. I’m sleeping with two different men — what more proof do you want?

PETER
Methinks the lady dost protest too much.

LAURA
What am I gonna do with you?

PETER
Fuck my brains out.

LAURA
Somebody already beat me to it, obviously.
(They start making out, but LAURA pulls away)
Besides, you should know it wouldn’t help endear me to the boss if I were to try to take the woman she’s in love with.

(Suddenly, JACK yells at DEVON. Both PETER and LAURA look at each other and run to eavesdrop.)

JACK
My decision has been made and it is final, Devon!
(Pause. JACK and DEVON stare at each other)
I'll be joining you tonight for drinks — Take good care of my girl.

DIANA
(Catching JACK on his way out)
Maybe this isn’t the greatest idea?

JACK
Don’t worry. Devon knows who the boss is.

DIANA
I’m sorry — but Devon doesn’t seem the sort who really cares.

JACK
(Kisses DIANA on the forehead and squeezes her)
Don’t worry, sweetie, do you think I’d steer you wrong?
(HE looks at DEVON)
Sometimes you just gotta put up with a lot of crap in order to get what you want.

(JACK exits. PETER and LAURA try to look as if they weren't eavesdropping as he leaves. DIANA nervously shrugs at DEVON)

DIANA
(Indicating awards on 4th wall)
Are all these awards yours?

DEVON
(Cold)
No. Really I moonlight as a cat burglar specializing in stealing the awards and pencils from other ad agencies.

DIANA
Oh.

DEVON
So you picked the right agency to work for because we're the only one in town with any pencils.

DIANA
But they all have your name on them....

DEVON
It’s part of my diabolical plot to put all the other ad agencies out of business. First their awards and pencils, then their clients.

DIANA
You're kidding me, aren't you?

DEVON
You don’t think it will work?

DIANA
Look, Devon, I’m sorry for all this...

DEVON
Damn, there goes my job security. Next thing you know they’ll be cutting my benefits and taking away my 401(k) — probably the Cafeteria Plan too!

DIANA
It wasn’t my idea — I didn’t ask for a job at Jack’s agency...

DEVON
What will I do without my 401(k) and Cafeteria Plan?

DIANA
Are you going to hold this against me for as long as I work here?

DEVON
Damnit woman! Do you know what the 401(k) and Cafeteria Plan mean to me?

DIANA
No, I’m sorry, I don’t...

DEVON
Damnit, neither do I. I don’t even know what they are. I guess I should ask my accountant sometime — it’d be nice to know what exactly I’m losing, don’t you think?

DIANA
Devon, are you listening to me?

DEVON
What’d you say? I wasn’t listening.

DIANA
Jack hired me and now we’ve both got to deal with it.

DEVON
I was trying to remember what my accountant said they were, but, of course, I didn’t understand it when she explained it to me, so I don’t know how I’d suddenly understand now, but there’s always hope — y’know? All I know for sure is that the Cafeteria Plan has nothing to do with a place in the building where you can buy food —

Diana
Devon...

Devon
No, we’re too damned cheap for that. We’re stuck with a lunch truck and a coupla lousy vending machines — none of which sell Ho Ho’s.

Diana
Devon...

Devon
Or even Ding Dongs for that matter. What do I have to do to get Ho Ho’s or Ding Dongs around here?
(She looks at DIANA)
Oh, God — ask and ye shall receive.

Diana
You’re a conceited, stuck-up...

Devon
Jack may have hired you...

Diana
Just because you didn’t doesn’t mean I don’t have anything to offer this department!

Devon
But I’ll be doing your job reviews.

(DIANA sighs in exasperation. DEVON sits on her desk, apparently lost in thought. DIANA starts looking around the office — and, as soon as her attention is diverted, DEVON studies her)

DIANA
(Points at the wall)
Wow! You did this ad?
(Pause, DEVON starts to speak)
Never mind.

(DEVON stares at DIANA, who is very nervous)

DEVON
At least she’s learning something.
(Pause)
Diana, is it?

DIANA
(Cowering)
Yes sir?

DEVON
(Pauses briefly at the “sir” then shrugs it off)
I have a job for you.

DIANA
Oh, anything!

DEVON
(Looks DIANA up and down)
Yes, I'm sure.
(Pause)
Follow me.

(DEVON leads her to the reception area. PETER and LAURA scurry to make it look like they weren't eavesdropping. LAURA is playing with the munchie table. DEVON pushes her out of the way)

DEVON
(To DIANA, indicating munchie table)
Lay this out so as to maximize its abilities to tantalize one's appetite.

DIANA
(Excited)
Is this for an ad?

DEVON
(Exiting to her office)
No, it's for us to snack on. Make sure to make it look good — I have a funny stomach.
(Yells)
Charles!
(To her office)

(CHARLES goes from the art room to DEVON's office, via the reception area. He merely glances at DIANA, but PETER and LAURA openly stare at her. She glances at them nervously, then begins the food layout)

DEVON
(Slams door behind CHARLES)
Goddamned bastard! Prick! Cancerous anal tract!

CHARLES
(Grins. Facetiously)
Devon, dear, are you upset?

DEVON
That dipshit Jack went behind my back and hired a new art director!

CHARLES
It is his agency...

DEVON
But I'm his creative director! He doesn't understand that a creative department is like a telephone!

CHARLES
(Confused)
Hunh?

DEVON
You put a "9" where a "1" should be and you can't make any long distance calls!

CHARLES
She can't be that bad...

DEVON
Oh, Charles, like hell she can't — she's probably just the only floozy he could get to give him a blow job!
(Then, to herself)
And, to top it off — I had a much better floozy in mind...

CHARLES
A better floozy? Is there any such thing?

DEVON
Charles, just because you don't like women...

CHARLES
You know I like women just fine!

DEVON
Oh, yeah, right — Is a bear Catholic? Does the pope shit in the woods?

CHARLES
(Shrugs it off)
Don't even think about making me work with someone whose only talents are in the sack.

DEVON
I didn't say her only talents were in the sack.

CHARLES
Well, are they?

DEVON
Yes, but I didn't say that.

CHARLES
This is where I put my foot down. Ever since Jamie dumped you...

DEVON
I dumped Jamie.

CHARLES
You've been hopping from one bed to another like some sort of a crazed kangaroo.

DEVON
Don't I wish.

CHARLES
Whaddya mean by that?

DEVON
(Embarrassed)
I can't get laid.

CHARLES
But you've been...

DEVON
Lying.

(CHARLES laughs)

DEVON
I'm serious. You don't know how hard it is! Being butch I'm expected to do the picking up and I don't know how to do the picking up!

CHARLES
But you and Jamie...

DEVON
Got together in high school. We've been together for ten years. She's the only woman I've ever been with. The only person I've ever been with.

CHARLES
Biblically speaking?

DEVON
Biblically speaking.

CHARLES
This is too funny. I always thought you were a little studmuffin.

DEVON
And if you tell anyone differently — you're gonna be out of a job quicker'n Madonna can say "yes."

CHARLES
You two had nothing in common, anyway — you read the classics, she reads comic books — she likes cats, you like dogs...

DEVON
Opposites attract.

CHARLES
If you wanted things that extreme you should've just found yourself a man.

DEVON
Don't be disgusting.

CHARLES
I'm serious — and think of it this way — with a man, you wouldn't have to be the one doing the picking up.

DEVON
As long as we're at it — why don't you just suggest that I find myself both a man and a woman?

CHARLES
Best of both worlds.

DEVON
As you've so aptly proved.

CHARLES
Devon — I love both you and Jamie dearly as friends, but I think you're best off rid of her.

DEVON
I want her back.

CHARLES
She doesn’t deserve you.

DEVON
I don’t care — I love her.

CHARLES
You don’t love her. You’re just scared of being alone. Of being single.

DEVON
So what if I am? And I don’t see where it matters to you anyway. Goddamnit, Charles — I want Jamie back!

CHARLES
So why don't you go after her?

DEVON
There's someone else.

CHARLES
She was cheating on you?

DEVON
No. The relationship still hasn't been consummated, as far as I know.

CHARLES
So what's the problem?

DEVON
She says we're as incompatible as Phyllis Schlafly and Medea.

CHARLES
Then just give up on her. Let her go, Devon.

DEVON
Easier said than done. She’s all that I know.

CHARLES
If all you know are Cheerios, is that any reason to ignore Filet Mignon? Chicken Kiev? Boeuf Bourginon?

DEVON
It’s easy for you to say — you’ve got both a wife and a lover. You’re not alone. Sometimes you keep going with someone, even if things aren’t always perfect, because you know they’ll never be perfect no matter where you go.

CHARLES
Oh yeah — this coming from the woman who’s always begging with me to go to Hooter’s for lunch.

DEVON
Well, yeah — you sometimes like to look — but all you need to do to get your focus back is to remember what it’s like to be single...

CHARLES
And able to chase whomever you want...

DEVON
...and lookin’ for Ms. Goodbar.

CHARLES
Okay — so you’re not looking for some murderess — but maybe somebody to take you over her knee, tie your ass up and make you scream for forgiveness when you’ve been bad...

DEVON
Charles...

CHARLES
...who’ll spank you, and whip you, and drip hot wax down your sleek, sweating body...

DEVON
Charles...

CHARLES
...making you pay for being bad, but the payment is so good you want to be bad just to be punished...

DEVON
Charles!

CHARLES
What already? I was just getting into a good fantasy!

DEVON
What am I supposed to do?

CHARLES
Find someone else.

DEVON
I don’t want someone else — I want Jamie.

CHARLES
Give it up, Devon — she’s over you, as you should be of her.

DEVON
But how can she do this to me?

CHARLES
Do what to you? Finally put you out of your misery? — Devon, face it — you were just making each other miserable!

DEVON
Fuck you — I was happier then than I am now.

CHARLES
You need to go out, get good and drunk and find someone else.

DEVON
When and where, Charles? If I'm not here, I'm usually asleep, and, if I'm not — where do I pick up a woman? Or at least someone who might mean something?

CHARLES
Who cares if she means anything? You just need to get laid.

Devon
I’m not like you and Peter — I can’t just fuck anyone.

Charles
Get over it Devon. All these nice and pretty ideals went out of style along with chain mail and feather dusting scenes.

Devon
Fine. Then where the hell do I pick up a woman in modern times?

Charles
The bars, bookstores, marches — hell, you can go to one of the groups at that place...

DEVON
What place?

CHARLES
What is it? Affirmations?

DEVON
Yeah, right. “What are your plans tonight?” “Oh, I’m going out to cruise A Woman’s Prerogative.” Yeah, real hot night there Chuckie boy.

CHARLES
Don’t call me that. Only my mother has ever called me that.

DEVON
Chuckie boy, Chuckie boy — sending the lesbians out to meet Ms. Goodbar!

CHARLES
Who knows? — maybe you and Jack's girl will hit it off.

DEVON
Yeah — we'll probably have as much in common as Pat Robertson and the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force.

CHARLES
It can't be that bad...

DEVON
I’ve already told you what I think about her. Besides, Jack’s already doing her — and you know what they say about doing the boss’s girlfriend.

CHARLES
Kept me away from Jamie.

DEVON
You like Jamie?

CHARLES
No, not really. She’s not my type. Besides, I’ve got my hands full enough as it is.

DEVON
I can’t even imagine...

CHARLES
No — you can’t! Laura’s actually been asking me for sex two or three times a week lately!

DEVON
Oh, poor boy — having to fuck someone who looks like Laura.

CHARLES
Are you putting down my wife?

DEVON
No, Charles. I was being facetious.

CHARLES
So you want my wife?

DEVON
(Waves some papers)
And you know what all of this stress does to my writing — my mind's a blank...

CHARLES
What's new?

(He ducks just in time as DEVON throws a book at him. He walks over to take a look at the papers DEVON is waving)

CHARLES
(Reading)
"Because kissing wasn't meant to be a gourmet experience?"

DEVON
It's for dental floss, don't you get it?

(PETER and LAURA have been quietly assessing DIANA, who keeps moving and rearranging the snacks)

LAURA
(To DIANA)
So who are you anyway?

DIANA
(Turning to face LAURA and PETER)
My name's Diana LaForge and I work here. I think.

LAURA
(Assessing DIANA. Jealous)
LaForge? What the fuck kinda name is LaForge?

PETER
(Looking DIANA up and down)
Laura, will you at least try to be civil?
(To DIANA)
You're the new art director Jack hired.

DIANA
Uh, yes, I am.

PETER
(Shaking DIANA's hand)
I am Peter Sullivan and I am quite pleased to meet you.

DIANA
(Confuse because of his drag)
Peter?

PETER
Yes, Peter.

DIANA
(Tentatively returning handshake)
Pleased to meet you.

PETER
And this is Laura Sommers, one of our fine copywriters.

DIANA
(Extends her hand to LAURA, who turns from her)
Hello.

(JAMIE enters, sees DIANA and gives her a long once over)

JAMIE
(To DIANA)
Hi, I'm Jamie Jordan, and you are...?

PETER
(Not allowing DIANA to answer)
She's Diana LaForge, our new art director.

JAMIE
(Taking DIANA's hand and kissing it)
Well, then, you will be art directing some of my award-winning copy.

PETER
Diana, please allow me to show you your new home...

LAURA
(Quickly pulling PETER away from DIANA)
Shouldn't Charles do that? After all, it is his department and all.

JAMIE
Or maybe I should...

PETER
But he's not here at the moment, is he?

DIANA
Please, I’m overwhelmed...

LAURA
I don’t think it’s either of your place...

PETER
I’m an art director, she’ll be working with me...

JAMIE
But she’ll be working with me on the final completion of the ads...

LAURA
I don’t think it’s either of your place. Diana — maybe I should give you a tour of the office...

CHARLES
(Suddenly yells in DEVON's office)
"Reality Bites?!" This is too fucking much!

(CHARLES runs into the reception area with DEVON in tow. He carries a sheaf of papers from DEVON's desk)

CHARLES
Peter — look at these!
(CHARLES hands PETER the papers)

PETER
(Looking at papers. Reads)
"Fast Finish?!"
(Pause. Next one)
"Imaginative Climax?!"

DEVON
(Defensively)
They're for sex toys!
(Then, to LAURA, who is snickering)
You try to write something intelligent about dildos!

PETER
How are we gonna illustrate these!?

DIANA
Well, for "Size Matters" you could have a little kid trying to reach up to a mailbox...
(PETER, CHARLES and LAURA groan. DEVON stares at DIANA)
You can't exactly have blatant pictures, so you'll have to use some imagination... Something that tells a different sort of story — to intrigue the consumer and get them to read on — it’s the combination of artwork and headline that will take them through the story so that they realize they need the product.

LAURA
(Ignoring DIANA)
Next thing you know, she'll be writing, "A beer by any other name is just the same" for Zima.

PETER
(Laughing)
How 'bout, "A beer is a beer is a beer is a beer — But Zima is different?!"

DEVON
You've been peeking at my desk!

JAMIE
Of course, at this joint, we shouldn't have any problems thinking about sex. Especially with our art directors.

LAURA
What do you mean by that?

PETER
She means nothing by that! Isn't that right, Jamie?

JAMIE
(Ignoring PETER's remarks. Introduces DIANA to CHARLES)
Oh, Diana, this is Charles Sommers, he's the chief art director.

DIANA
(To DEVON, about the ads)
I like them.

(DEVON ignores DIANA. PETER pulls JAMIE aside while DEVON,
LAURA and CHARLES discuss the ads)

PETER
(Whispers to JAMIE)
I wish you'd keep your fucking mouth shut about things that don't concern you.

JAMIE
You should've thought about it before you started screwing them both.

PETER
You've been on the rag ever since Devon dumped you.

JAMIE
I dumped Devon.

PETER
Well, if you don't behave, I'll tell Devon that you desperately want her back.

JAMIE
Don't even...

PETER
Or maybe I'll tell Laura you've been drooling over her for a year now.

JAMIE
You just enjoy flaunting it, don’t you? You don’t even enjoy the sex anymore...

PETER
Oh, I enjoy the sex all right...

JAMIE
Some day it’s all gonna come back to you — not just who you’re screwing, but what you’re doing throughout all your life...

PETER
Who I’m screwing is my life.

JAMIE
Yes, I know that.

PETER
The personal is the political. And it’s all about politics baby.

JAMIE
And it’ll all come back on you, y’know that.

PETER
But you don’t have the ace in the hole that I do.

JAMIE
You got something in every hole, don’t you?

PETER
You’re just jealous.

JAMIE
Can’t it mean something more? Can’t you understand more than carnal knowledge?

PETER
Yeah — I can understand that who I screw is gonna get me somewhere — is gonna make the zeros in my paycheck increase geometrically while yours stay the same. You go on working for Devon, ya big ole bull-dyke...

JAMIE
Peter, neither Laura nor I are like you — let her go and give her a chance to find something more than mere sex.

DEVON
Peter — we need you!

PETER
(To JAMIE)
Figure the odds on that one.
(Smirks at JAMIE and runs over)
Yes?

CHARLES
Can you convince her this is too blatant?

PETER
I don't know... How blatant something is is a relative concept...

(PETER, CHARLES and LAURA join in discussion over the ads. DIANA watches as DEVON approaches JAMIE)

DEVON
I miss you.

JAMIE
No, you don't. You miss my omelets.

DEVON
That's not true.

JAMIE
I kept telling you to learn how to cook...

DEVON
I want you back. Jamie, I need you.

JAMIE
Devon, it's over. It was over for a long time, but it needed one of us to say “enough.”

DEVON
I suppose this means you've scored with Laura?

JAMIE
She's not the reason we broke up.

DEVON
Then what is?

JAMIE
Devon, I love you dearly, as a friend, but I’m not in love with you anymore. You don’t make me sweat anymore...

DEVON
But we all know the passion may pall sometimes...

JAMIE
It hasn’t palled — it’s deader’n a dog that’s been playing in a freeway strewn with landmines. I don’t want you anymore...

DEVON
Haven’t you ever heard of lesbian bed death?

JAMIE
Yeah, but I don’t believe in it. I haven’t been in love with you for a very long time. I can’t stand living with you anymore — I don’t like the way you have to ball your socks up in the drawers...

DEVON
More fit into the drawer that way...

JAMIE
But why do you need so many goddamned socks? Devon — it’s over — understand that and get on with it! Go find somebody who can love you the way you deserve to be loved.

Devon
You’re supposed to be creative and you can’t come up with a better line than that one?

Jamie
Devon, face it — the real reason you want to get back together is so that you can be the one doing the dumping. You’re ego just can’t accept it that I dumped you.

PETER
(Yells over to DEVON)
Oh, Creative Director!

DEVON
(Annoyed)
What?

LAURA
We need your help.

DEVON
Obviously.

(DEVON and JAMIE join PETER, LAURA and CHARLES in discussing the toy ads. DIANA keeps running around behind people, unsuccessfully trying to join them.)

DEVON
Well, I'm sorry, but size does matter, and some guys do finish fast, and, therefore, reality, oftentimes, bites. I mean, correct me if I'm wrong on this, Laura.

Diana
Excuse me...

LAURA
Oh, god.

DEVON
The client wants these done by Tuesday morning!

Diana
I think...

PETER
So that means we have...
(Pause — he looks at his watch)
Eighty-four hours, more or less.

JAMIE
So what's the rush?

DIANA
I could give the layouts a shot...

JAMIE
There you go — I like that idea — it’ll be a fresh approach!

PETER
I think that's a wonderful idea.

DEVON
But we need these by Tuesday morning!

JAMIE
So? Let her have a chance.

PETER
(To DIANA)
Let me show you the art room so you can start work...

JAMIE
No, please allow me...

LAURA
(Cutting PETER off)
We already discussed this — Charles is the chief art director...

Devon
She is not doing these layouts.

(LAURA pushes CHARLES into action. CHARLES gives PETER a nasty look. All watch CHARLES and DIANA exit to Art Department. PETER and LAURA begin to look through ads. DEVON walks to the side with a few papers)

DEVON
(To JAMIE)
Can you think of a euphemism for "thrust?"

JAMIE
If you give that to me, I'll look it over on Monday.

DEVON
You were all over her like fudge on a sundae.

JAMIE
I was not.

DEVON
But she is a good-looking woman.

JAMIE
And she's probably straight.

DEVON
She made Laura jealous right from "Hi." Of course, Laura's with two men — so what can you expect?

JAMIE
You enjoy rubbing it in, don't you?

DEVON
Of course. I, as a writer, enjoy looking at your life and analyzing each piece, parcel and speck of it.

JAMIE
Then look at yourself, and how fucking pathetic you look right now.

DEVON
What do you mean by that?

JAMIE
Everybody here knows what’s going on — you want me back and I’m trying to get you to understand that we’ve been over for as long as we’ve been together.

DEVON
Just give me another chance!

JAMIE
I’m over it. We’ve been trying to break up now for years. Realize this — you’re as much better off without me as I am without you. Get on with it already — go out and get yourself fucked!

DEVON
I’m butch. I don’t get fucked, I fuck.

JAMIE
You and your goddamned stereotypes.

DEVON
I don’t understand you.

JAMIE
Yeah, that’s the point.
(Changing subjects, she picks up an ad)
Some of your writing's really sucked lately.

DEVON
My mind's been on other things...

JAMIE
That's part of your problem, Devon — you lack focus.

Devon
(Realizing)
You’re an obnoxious pig.

Jamie
You write something like “Dildos and Vibrators and Lubes, Oh My,” and I’m the pig?

Devon
You just don’t understand how far we can go together. You’ll never get anywhere with Laura — she’ll never give up the safety of marriage, and she doesn’t have the ambition to go very far in this business anyway!

Jamie
Is that all anything is to you Devon, the business and how far you can go?

Devon
(Turning away)
No.

Jamie
(Walking behind DEVON, wraps her arms around her neck)
A few years back, I wouldn’t’ve thought that, but now I’m not so sure if I believe you.

Devon
Maybe if you gave me some reason to not be obsessed with work, I wouldn’t be obsessed with it.

Jamie
Your words, not mine.

(While DEVON and JAMIE talk, LAURA pulls PETER aside to have a private conversation. While they converse, they both keep looking nervously at the Art Department door)

LAURA
(To PETER)
I don't like the way you're acting toward Diana.

PETER
(Taking LAURA's hands)
Laura, honey, I was just trying to be friendly.

LAURA
That was more than just friendly, Peter dear.

PETER
I had to compensate for the welcome she got from Devon.

LAURA
Devon's management — she has no reason to be nice to Diana.

PETER
Well I see you trust your husband more than me.

LAURA
What's that supposed to mean?

PETER
You're having him give her a private tour of the Art Department.

LAURA
Yes, I trust Charles more than you — he doesn't seem to be the least bit interested.
(DEVON and JAMIE laugh at this)

JAMIE
I wonder why?

LAURA
(To JAMIE)
What do you mean by that?

PETER
(Pulling LAURA into his arms)
Nothing — she means nothing by that. Isn't that right, Jamie?

JAMIE
Yep. Sure is.

DEVON
Absotively nothing.

PETER
Laura — you know you don't have any reason to be jealous — I have eyes only for you...

(DEVON and JAMIE burst into laughter, then, when LAURA looks at them, JAMIE tries to cover their outburst)

JAMIE
(To DEVON)
I really don't think you should use that word there, Devon. I don't think it means what you think it does.

DEVON
I know exactly what it means.

JAMIE
Context, Devon, context.

DEVON
(With a stupid look)
Oops.
(Pause)
I just want to know who gets us these accounts.

Peter
You just don’t like it when the tables are turned, hunh?

Laura
Whaddya mean by that?

Peter
You know exactly what I mean — it’s fine to have you and Jamie all over each other...

Laura
Oh, right — like we’re all over each other right now. She’s over there with Devon...

Peter
Is that jealousy I detect?

Laura
Can’t you get it through your head that Jamie and Devon are friends, and that’s it?

Peter
(Touching Laura)
You sure about that?

Laura
Yes, Peter.
(She looks over at DEVON and JAMIE)
But shouldn’t we...

Peter
Listen, neither of’em are as stupid as they look, not that that’d be possible anyway — they know perfectly well what’s going on around here.

DEVON
(To JAMIE)
So — what're you doin' tomorrow night, anyway?

JAMIE
Gettin' laid.

DEVON
(Startled)
By whom?

JAMIE
Dunno.

DEVON
You're a slut.

JAMIE
Stud.

DEVON
Slut.

JAMIE
Stud.

PETER
Great. There they go again.

Devon
Slut.

(JAMIE and LAURA make prolonged eye contact. All return to their little paired off conferences)

(CHARLES and DIANA return, laughing)

LAURA
What's so funny?

CHARLES
I was just telling Diana that we're a bunch of creative types living up to the world's expectations of us.

PETER
Diana! Can I get you a drink?

DIANA
I don't usually drink...

JAMIE
(Sidling up to DIANA while looking at LAURA)
Believe me, around here you'll need it, baby.

PETER
Gin and tonic okay?

DIANA
Sure. But be nice to me?

CHARLES
Yeah, you don't want to injure our new rising star.

PETER
(Pours a stiff one. To DIANA)
I'll always be nice to you.

(PETER hands DIANA the drink. She takes a sip, coughs, and looks at PETER, who grins at her)

JAMIE
So, Diana, what do you think of our little agency?

DIANA
Oh, I'm just so excited that you're giving me this chance!

DEVON
(Not a question)
So this is your first job in the field.

DIANA
I interned at several different agencies...

Jamie
Well, we all know in this field, experience doesn’t count as much as talent.

Devon
But this is your first real job.

Diana
Yes, so I'm really nervous, but I'm also really excited to get going and start work.

DEVON
(Whispers to CHARLES)
Floozy.
(Facetiously to DIANA)
It's really Jack we should all be thanking.

LAURA
Yes, Diana, you must have done something really wonderful to have Jack hire you without checking with Devon first.

DIANA
I think he really liked my portfolio of sample work.

DEVON
(Sarcastically)
Oh, really.

LAURA
I thought you said this was your first agency?

DIANA
It is, but, well, I did the interships and well... Why don't I show you my portfolio?

(She goes into DEVON’'s office to retrieve it. DEVON shrugs and pours herself another drink. LAURA joins her.)

Laura
So are you and Jamie over?

Devon
What do you think?

Laura
Well, I know what I’ve heard...

Devon
Yes, Laura, she’s available...

Laura
What?

Devon
And I don’t really care who she ends up with — as long as they don’t hurt her — ‘cause then they’ll have me to deal with.

Laura
Why are you telling me all this?

Devon
I’m her ex, which means I have certain obligations to her.

Laura
And those are...?

Devon
Before you can really join the club, you need to learn the rules, eh?

Laura
What rules?

Devon
It’s a secret. We can’t give you your lesbian rulebook till you help somebody get her toaster oven.

Laura
But I’m not a lesbian.

Devon
You want to be, don’t you?

Laura
I... I.. Devon... I dunno what to say.

Devon
I have eyes, Laura. And so does Jamie.

(DEVON returns to the group, followed by LAURA, just as DIANA returns with her portfolio. PETER grabs it from her)

PETER
(Tossing aside the portfolio)
We can all look at this later...

DIANA
(Picking it up and trying to hand it to DEVON)
Maybe you'd be interested...

DEVON
(Meets DIANA’s eyes, then tosses it aside)(This is when DEVON starts to really notice DIANA)
Maybe later.

(DIANA again retrieves the portfolio, she glances around for anyone to show it to.)

JAMie
We can look at that later — I, for one, don’t need proof to give you my fullest confidence.

Diana
Thank you.

Laura
Unfortunately for you, Jamie isn’t the one you’ll be answering to.

DIANA
(To DEVON, although still upset about portfolio)
It's just such an honor to work with a group of people who have won so many awards for creativity and excellence.

Devon
At least we know she’s good at brown-nosing.

PETER
And we look forward to helping you earn your own share.

CHARLES
(Putting a hand possessively on PETER's shoulder. Mostly to PETER)
Yeah. We're all part of the same team.

JAMIE
(To DIANA)
And now you're a part of the family, too.

LAURA
(Putting a possessive hand on PETER's free shoulder)
If we're a family, there must be a black sheep, eh, Peter?

CHARLES
I wonder who that could be, Peter?

(PETER nervously looks at CHARLES and LAURA, then at his watch)

JAMIE
Peter — chill. We've got over an hour before our dinner reservations.

PETER
(Looks at LAURA, then CHARLES)
Is it just me, or is it getting awfully warm in here?

DEVON
It does tend to get a little warm when you're in hot water.

DIANA
If we're one big happy family — shouldn't I be let in on the secret?

JAMIE
Diana — every family has their share of skeletons in the closet.

DEVON
Or something in the closet.

PETER
But you have to admire the people of B, B, and B for their utmost discretion.

JAMIE
Yes, we try to keep it all in the family.

DEVON
We do try. Just one big happy incestuous family is what we are.

PETER
As you can see — we try to practice the real Traditional Family Values.

JAMIE
That it doesn't matter who or what you do, as long as you cover it up.

LAURA
Or, when that fails, that you deny everything, even if you're covered with it.

DEVON
It's all in perspective, Diana. The key to the world lies in your perspective of it. Sometimes you’re so busy looking in the wrong direction, you don’t see what’s right under your nose.

PETER
Speaking of perspective, Charles, could you come into the art department for a moment? I need to discuss the Macintosh layouts with you.

(CHARLES looks at him curiously)

Diana
Perhaps I could help you?

Peter
(Looking at LAURA)
No, that won’t be necessary. We’ve already been working on this project for a while now. Charles and I can do it on our own — your presence really isn’t necessary — we can do it on our own.

CHARLES
Peter’s right, Diana, we’ve got this one under control.
(To LAURA)
We'll join you in a minute, hon.

(PETER and CHARLES go toward the art room. OTHERS look away. As they go toward the room)

PETER
We don't want to disturb your revelry.

CHARLES
I thought we decided we'd have to draw this because I know I don't want to be the one trying to shove an apple into a snake's mouth...

PETER
I'm telling you — it can be done.
(Pulls CHARLES over to him)
But that's not what I want to discuss...

CHARLES
(Pulling away)
I don't know where she gets these ideas — I mean, really, Eve telling the snake, "No, thanks, I'm waiting for a Macintosh?"

PETER
(Pleading)
Charles, honey — I flirted with Diana just so no one would suspect...

CHARLES
(Snotty)
Don't you think you overdid it just a tad?

Peter
Oh, baby, why you gone get all jealous on me now — we’ll have so much less time alone together now that Jack’s hired Diana.

CHARLES
Well, if Devon has her way, that won’t last for long. She doesn’t even know the woman and already she hates her guts.

Peter
Chas, who else is gonna give it to you like I can?
(Pause)
Where else is it going to be so possible and safe?
(Pause)
Unless, of course, Laura decides to get really butch and take a strap-on to ya.

Charles
Peter, she is my wife...

Peter
So?

Charles
Could you at least try not to be so derogatory about her? I mean, she might start to get a clue one of these days...

Peter
What? Are you saying you’d prefer that I flirt with your wife instead?

Charles
I just don’t know why you had to act that way with Diana...

PETER
(Pulling a reluctant CHARLES into his arms and into the art room — closing the door behind them)
You know you don't have any reason to be jealous — I have eyes only for you...

(Diana is watching CHARLES and PETER, DEVON is watching DIANA. DIANA turns and sees DEVON’s look)

Diana
Is there something I should know about?

Devon
No, not at all.

DIANA
(To DEVON)
Is there something I should be doing right now?

DEVON
(Trying to regain her old attitude toward DIANE)
You can start by emptying all the ashtrays and pencil sharpeners.

JAMIE
(Sidling up to DIANA)
Ignore her. Just eat, drink and be merry.

DEVON
(To JAMIE)
Jamie, I need to talk with you about these ads.

JAMIE
It can wait until Monday.

DEVON
No, it can't.

(DEVON drags JAMIE away from DIANA. DIANA looks distinctly uncomfortable and unwanted. LAURA is eating and drinking. DIANA tries to make nice with LAURA with smiles, etc. LAURA gives her the cold shoulder)

DEVON
(To JAMIE)
What is it with you and these straight women?

JAMIE
Jealous, hunh?

DEVON
First you tell me you're in love with Laura, and now you're all over Diana.

JAMIE
Laura hasn't given me the time of day.

DEVON
Oh, so now it's just "Dip me in honey and throw me to the straight women" hunh?

JAMIE
(Shakes her head and begins to walk away from DEVON)
You just wouldn't understand.

DEVON
Why wouldn't I understand?

JAMIE
Okay, fine. I'm trying to make Laura jealous.

DEVON
So I don't understand jealousy?

JAMIE
Are you gonna be like this all night?

DEVON
Okay, fine, I understand that you didn’t dump me for anyone in particular...

JAMIE
Finally.

DEVON
(Gives JAMIE a look)
But why do all of you have to make my department some sort of Fucky-land?

JAMIE
Devon, it’s a holiday — it’s our holiday — Halloween, the queerest one of them all. I’m taking the day off from being serious — the same as everyone else here, except for you. Maybe if you’d lighten up a bit you could get your nose up off the grindstone and into something far more interesting.

Devon
I don’t have to like that all of my department’s sleeping with each other, and I know I’m sure as hell not gonna like it when it all blows up in my face, ‘cause we know that’s what’s gonna happen.

Jamie
Have a little faith in the fact that we’re all adults.

Devon
You’re certainly not acting like it.

Jamie
Okay, fine, then we’re acting like the liberal creative-types we are.

Devon
I’m a liberal creative-type, and that’s not how I’m acting.

Jamie
Your credentials are questionable. And don’t forget — not too long ago, you were part of the entire scenario as well.

Devon
We were a long-term, committed couple, not part of this fucked-up scenario.

Jamie
But you’d like to be, hunh?

Devon
Jamie...

Jamie
Turns you on, hunh?
(Pause. DEVON doesn’t reply, so she continues)
Devon, think about it — even if I could score with Laura, could Charles seriously even question it? After all, he’s got his own little affair going on as well. How can one of them really judge the other?

Devon
I’m more concerned with whether or not they can still work together when it’s all over.

Jamie
I meant what I said earlier — you’re not the same person anymore, Devvie...

Devon
Yeah, I’ve grown up.

Jamie
I thought that’s what we said we’d never do?

Devon
Just because I take my job seriously doesn’t mean I’m some sort of traitor, which is what you keep trying to make me out to be.

Diana
(To LAURA)
Why is it you hate me so?

Laura
I don’t hate you.

Diana
You’ve given me the cold shoulder all day. I mean, do you all just want me to quit? Is that it?

Laura
You really don’t understand, do you?

Diana
I know Devon’s the Creative Director and he usually...

Laura
“He” usually?

Diana
That he usually does all the hiring — what is so goddamned funny?

Laura
Omigod, the pristine and pure virgin princess actually swore!

Diana
(Close to tears)
I didn’t know coming to work here was going to be so awful... I told Jack I could do this on my own!

Laura
Oh, I’m sure you did.

Diana
What is it you think of me?

Laura
Just that maybe you should think before you flirt next time.

Diana
I’m not flirting with anyone! I can’t help it that people like the way I look! I just wish for once someone could look beyond that...

Laura
Oh, God, that line’s older than Mephistopheles.

Diana
Fine.
(Looks away. Tears)
Fine.
(She reaches over to pick up her portfolio)

Laura
What’re you doin’?

Diana
I’m leaving. Are you happy now?

Laura
(Putting a hand on DIANA’s arm)
No. Are you freakin’ nuts? Do you know what Jack’d do if he found out I got you to leave?

DIAna
I didn’t think it’d matter — after all, isn’t Devon in charge here?

Laura
Personally, I don’t want to gamble on that. After all, Jack did hire you, didn’t he?

Diana
So you want me to stay to cover your ass?

Laura
C.Y.A. A rule to live by.
(Pause)
Diana, I’m sorry. You just caught me at a bad time. I don’t know what to think about anything anymore.
(Pause)
There’s a lot going on for me right now, and when I get confused, I get cocky. But it’s hard to be cocky when somebody like you is around.

Diana
You must really love your job to go so far to protect it.

Laura
Creative department’s assume their people are nuts. We just show it better than most.

Diana
Fine — you want me to stay — tell me what the hell to do about Devon.

Laura
(Intentionally makes sure she doesn’t use any pronouns)
Ooo, boy, you don’t ask the easy ones, do you? Give Devon time, and you’ll get your chance — if you’re worth it.

Diana
Oh, but doesn’t that go without saying?

Laura
Tell me, are you only talents in art direction?

Diana
(Flirting)
What do you think?

(JAMIE breaks away from DEVON and walks up to DIANA. LAURA looks at her watch and heads to the Art Department)

LAURA
Where are those two?

(DEVON stops LAURA)

DEVON
(Loudly)
I'll get them — After all, they may need to check with me about something!

(DEVON heads to the art department)

LAURA
Devon — you don't have to yell, I'm right here.

(DEVON enters the Art Department — quickly closing the door behind her)

(Voices are heard from off-stage. LAURA makes as if trying to eavesdrop, but JAMIE pulls her away)

DEVON
Okay, I give. Where's Charles?

PETER
He's in the closet.

DEVON
I know that, but where is he?

PETER
He's in the closet — literally!

(LAURA busts into the art room)

DEVON
Can we help you?

LAURA
Where's Charles?

DEVON
(Frankly)
In the closet.

(PETER chokes)

LAURA
What's he doing there?

DEVON
(Matter—of—factly)
Meditating.

LAURA
Meditating?

DEVON
Yes. He's hoping that a sensible solution will drop from the heavens and into his head, but I told him it wouldn't happen because I'd never present a problem so plebeian as to require a sensible solution.

(SFX: Door open, slam)

LAURA
He's naked.

PETER
Actually, I think he's wearing his shorts.

DEVON
Y'know, creative types — never telling what they're gonna do next.


(BLACKOUT)

END ACT I

Act II

SETTING: The same as Act One.


AT RISE: End of Act One. JAMIE, DEVON, DIANA and PETER are on-stage. LAURA and CHARLES are off-stage in the art room.

JAMIE
Where're Laura and Charles?

DEVON
(Nonchalantly)
In the closet.

JAMIE
Laura now too?

DIANA
What're they doing there?

DEVON
Fucking, I think.

JAMIE
Hold on! If Laura's in the closet — that means she has to come out of the closet sometime!

PETER
(Appalled)
Charles and Laura are fucking?

DIANA
(Appalled)
Isn't that incest?

DEVON
(To PETER and DIANA)
They are married!

PETER
But that still doesn't explain why they're screwing each other!

DIANA
Married? I thought they were brother and sister!

JAMIE
Whatever gave you that idea?

PETER
(Facetiously)
This is absolutely fabulous! They're not just closeted heterosexuals, now they're fucking closeted
heterosexuals!

DIANA
So they're doing it in the closet at work?
(To DEVON)
What are you going to do about that?

DEVON
(Matter—of—factly)
Nothing, they're not my type.

(DIANA's jaw drops)

PETER
(Putting an arm around DIANA)
This is a creative department, after all...

(DEVON grabs PETER and pulls him away from DIANA)

DEVON
Peter — I must discuss something with you right now.

(PETER gives DIANA an exasperated look. JAMIE grabs DIANA and takes her to the other end of the room)

DEVON
Why don't you just join Charles and Laura in the closet?

PETER
Believe you me, I would if I could.

DEVON
Take it from me — I'm sure they'd get over it.

PETER
No — I mean there's just not enough room!

DEVON
(Throwing hands up in air)
Great! Next time we remodel I'll just ask for larger closets!

DIANA
(Hearing this)
Why am I afraid to ask?

(DEVON studies DIANA and JAMIE)

JAMIE
You're learning.

(DEVON walks over to DIANA and takes her now empty glass from her, while giving JAMIE a smug smile)

DEVON
Here, let me freshen this for you.

(PETER watches, with a grin, as DEVON pours DIANA a rather stiff drink)

PETER
So, Diana, is B, B & B all you though it would be?

DIANA
It's... interesting.

JAMIE
(To DEVON, while pointing at DIANA)
Hey — Devon — I think we just found our new euphemism writer!

DIANA
Hunh?

Peter
(To DEVON)
Oooo, planning on getting her drunk and taking advantage of her?

DEVON
(Handing DIANA her drink. Looks at JAMIE while saying)
Diana — why don't we briefly exit this tumult and adjourn to my office where we can discourse in private?

(DEVON leads DIANA into her office, closing the door on the way)

PETER
(Looks at JAMIE)
Great! I'm horny as hell and I'm left alone with the one person here I know I won't get anywhere with!

JAMIE
Just imagine how I feel.

(PETER and JAMIE pour further drinks. In DEVON's office, DEVON paces)

DEVON
It isn't always this crazy around here.

DIANA
Does any work ever get done?

DEVON
Occasionally — although it's usually quite by accident.
(Pause)
So Jack decided to leave you alone to the wolves, eh?

DIANA
(Nervously laughing)
I guess you could say that.
(Pause)
Devon, I wish you’d give me a chance — see what I can do...

Devon
That much has already come with the highest recommendations.

Diana
I know I’m fresh out of college — a newbie, but I interned at several different agencies — in all sorts of different positions...

Devon
I can imagine.

Diana
I know a bit about all the departments, and how they work together as a team. I’ve worked with AEs, media people, trafficking, production, support staff...

Devon
How impressive.

Diana
I know all about the different computer applications used to create ads, I’ve been on commercial shoots and in-studio for radio spots, I know about SAU newspaper sizes...

Devon
Then maybe you should’ve gotten a job in production, eh?

Diana
Devon — I’d like it if you gave me a chance — actually, I’d love it. I mean, I’ve seen your work and I’d love to learn under you, but...

Devon
Under me, hunh? But what?

Diana
I’ll leave if you want me to.
(Quickly, before DEVON can respond)
But first think — you’re awfully young for your position — how’d you get there so fast?

Devon
Because...
(She falls off, not wanting to explain or try to understand it)

Diana
You’re talented, forward-thinking, creative — and Jack realized this and understood it.

(In the reception area, PETER has decided to flirt with JAMIE after all)

PETER
So... What's your sign?

JAMIE
(Cold)
Wrong Way.

PETER
(Hopefully)
Come here often?
(JAMIE growls)
C'mon — I want to get laid, and you want to get laid and we both know it so don't deny it!

JAMIE
You're not my type.

PETER
You gendrist you!

JAMIE
(Confused)
What? You're an art director and I only go for copywriters.

PETER
You're just pissed that Laura likes me and not you.

JAMIE
And you've always held it against me that Devon likes me and not you.

PETER
Well, what better way to keep a job than to sleep with the boss?
(Pause)
Think of me this way — a dildo with a really big carrying case.

Jamie
I already do.

Peter
I’d even let you be on top.

Jamie
But I left my strap-on at home.

Peter
We could borrow Devon’s.

Jamie
You’ll take it any way you can get it.

Peter
It’s taken you this long to figure that out?

Jamie
How the hell can Laura prefer you to me?

Peter
Straight women — no accounting for taste.

Jamie
Obviously. Or gay men.
(Pause)
Or is Charles still trying to pass for straight?

Peter
Really doesn’t matter to me, I’m in it for the sex. I make it a point to never love anybody I sleep with. Makes life much less complicated.

(JAMIE glares at PETER. Dejected, PETER spies DIANA's portfolio and starts to look through it. He becomes increasingly, and verbosely, excited over its contents)

PETER
Oh!
(Pause)
Oh!

(CHARLES and LAURA are still in the closet, and they are banging the walls and door while they're at it)

CHARLES
(Coming)
Ohmigod. Ohmigod.

LAURA
(Coming)
Ah. Ah. Aiee!

PETER
(Very excited by the portfolio)
Ohmigod. Ohmigod! Oh my god!

(JAMIE looks over PETER's shoulder at the portfolio)

JAMIE
(Excited)
Wow!

DEVON
(Confused, looking up from DIANA)
Peter? And Jamie?

DIANA
So what's the problem?

DEVON
Peter and Jamie?

(DEVON heads toward the reception area with DIANA following her)

DIANA
But I thought they were a couple?

(CHARLES and LAURA hear PETER at the same time, and both stop to reply)

CHARLES
Peter?

LAURA
Peter?

(CHARLES and LAURA, still in the closet, tumble over each other while trying to put on just enough clothing so they can each confront PETER. This makes a lot of banging noises. Then, both of them, barely clothed, fall out of the closet simultaneously. They both jump up and run to check on PETER. They both stop and stare at PETER and JAMIE. DIANA and DEVON enter)

LAURA and CHARLES
(Simultaneously to PETER)
It sounded like you were cumming.
(Then, to each other)
How would you know how he sounds when he's cumming?

DEVON
So if you're not cumming,
(Points to PETER)
And you're not cumming
(Points to JAMIE)
Then what the hell is happening?!

PETER
(Holding up DIANA's portfolio)
This! This!

LAURA
(To CHARLES)
So how do you know how he sounds...

CHARLES
(Cutting LAURA off)
A lot of people scream "Oh God" when they cum.

PETER
(About portfolio)
It's, it's...

JAMIE
Passionate, tumultuous, poignant...

PETER
Tempestuous, inspired, fulfilling...

JAMIE
Let's just say it's like an orgasm on paper.

DEVON
(To DIANA)
What'd you just say?

DIANA
Nothing.

DEVON
I mean when we were leaving my office?

DIANA
Oh — I just said that I couldn't figure out why you were so excited about Peter and Jamie screwing around because they are a couple and all. Did you want to watch?

(PETER, JAMIE, CHARLES, LAURA and DEVON laugh)

PETER
(In disbelief, putting an arm around JAMIE)
Us? A couple?

(All, except DIANA, laugh)

DIANA
(In self-defense)
You do have dinner reservations and all!

PETER
Honey — I am not a lesbian!

JAMIE
And I am a lesbian!

DIANA
(To PETER)
But, but, I could've sworn you were hitting on me!

PETER
I was!

CHARLES
Oh really?

DEVON
(To DIANA)
Diana, sweetie, you do, of course, realize that Peter is a man?

DIANA
(Lost)
Oh shit.

PETER
(To JAMIE)
She thought I was a dyke! I told you this was good drag!

JAMIE
What self-respecting lesbian would look like that?

LAURA
Diana — every Halloween, around here, we all dress up, have a party, go out to dinner and hit the bars.

DIANA
So you don't always dress like this?

DEVON
Right.

DIANA
That's a relief.

(DEVON is getting bored. She grabs the portfolio from PETER)

DEVON
(Looking through portfolio)
Wow.
(Next page)
Ooo.

(CHARLES and LAURA look over DEVON's shoulder)

DEVON and LAURA and CHARLES
Aah.
(Next page)
Ohmigod.
(Next page)
Oh my god!

DEVON
(Looks at DIANA)
This is good.

DIANA
Of course it is.
(All look at her)
What? Didja think I blew Jack to get this job?

LAURA
Yes, we did.

DIANA
How could you?

CHARLES
Well, Devon's the Creative Director and always does the hiring in here...

DIANA
(Sidles up to DEVON)
So I gave the wrong guy a B.J., hunh?

DEVON
Is that an offer?

DIANA
(Steps away)
I think I've had too much to drink.

Peter
There’s not such a thing as too much to drink.

DEVON
Peter — you make such wonderful drinks — why don't you mix us all another round?

(PETER does so, and then passes them out)

CHARLES
(To LAURA)
So... How did you know what Peter sounds like when he comes?

LAURA
Same way you did, honey.

(CHARLES does a double take, then goes to talk with DEVON)

CHARLES
Don't you dare come running to me cuz you can't get laid if you keep turning Diana down.

DEVON
Charles, I'm not interested in cheap sex.

CHARLES
You like the expensive sort?

DEVON
I want it to mean something.

CHARLES
It usually means you're both horny.

Devon
(Rubs her crotch)
I just wasn’t meant for all-day packin’.

(CHARLES shrugs and walks over to PETER. LAURA stares at CHARLES and PETER as they talk)

CHARLES
(To PETER)
I'm so horny I could be a Kennedy.

PETER
(Miffed)
You just got some.

CHARLES
(Corrects PETER)
Yes, I was getting some — but you had to go and start screaming.

PETER
(Whispers to CHARLES)
How could you cheat on me with your wife, of all people?

CHARLES
I can't keep telling her no.

PETER
She asks you to?

CHARLES
Occasionally.

(LAURA is watching CHARLES and PETER. DEVON watches JAMIE and DIANA during the following exchange —SHE is very pleased with some of DIANA’s responses.)

JAMIE
(Ominously to DIANA)
You'd better have fun tonight, m'dear, because next week's gonna be hell.

Diana
I’m looking forward to it.

Jamie
You some sorta masochist?

Diana
Maybe I am.

Jamie
Devon’d probably like that.

Diana
How can I convince you all of my worth if you won’t let me work?

Jamie
You’re sick and demented — I like that in a person.

PETER
That reminds me, Charles, we never did get done with what we were doing with the Mac ads.

Diana
What were you doing with the Mac ads?

CHARLES
Discussing them.

PETER
Working with layouts and possibilities.

DIANA
(Eager)
Can I watch?

CHARLES and PETER
No!

CHARLES
I mean, just take it easy tonight, and on Monday we'll throw you into the frying pan.

(LAURA watches as CHARLES and PETER go to the art room — with PETER closing the door behind them. LAURA sidles up to JAMIE)

LAURA
Jamie, I know you despise me and all...

JAMIE
Whatever would've given you that idea?

LAURA
(Ticking things off on her fingers)
The salt in my coffee, the tacks on my chair, the fish flies in my car, the photos of the dead cat on my desk...

JAMIE
Oh, c'mon, I was just kidding.

LAURA
My mother was really offended when I reached into my purse for a Kleenex for her and pulled out a rubber vagina, instead.

JAMIE
Damn! That's where I put it!

DEVON
(Returning from offstage. To DIANA)
Where were we, before all this yelling started?

DIANA
In your office.

DEVON
Oh. Yes, that’s right. After you.

(DEVON and DIANA go into DEVON's office, closing the door en route. DEVON brings DIANA's portfolio with her)

LAURA
Anyway, now that we've established the fact that you absolutely despise me...

JAMIE
I don't absolutely despise you.

LAURA
You just despise me, then.

JAMIE
I don't despise you!

LAURA
Then what the hell did it mean when you glued all my pencils in the holder?

JAMIE
I like to get you going! You're cute when you're upset!

LAURA
So all of that was... was flirting?

JAMIE
Well, ah, I guess so.

LAURA
What are you — an adolescent boy stuck in a lesbian's body?

JAMIE
Hmmm... I never thought about it that way before.

(In DEVON's office, DIANA is looking at the many awards on the wall [probably the fourth wall], while DEVON looks through her portfolio)

DEVON
(Indicating DIANA's portfolio)
Y'know, some of this work is pretty amazing.

DIANA
(Smiles shyly)
Thanks.

Devon
Especially for spec work from somebody’s who’s never really been in the biz.

Diana
So just imagine what I could do at a real agency.

(DEVON puts down the portfolio and walks over to DIANA)

DEVON
(Pointing to an ad on the wall)
So what would have done differently with that one?

DIANA
(Without hesitation)
The typeset is wrong. I probably would've... How'd you know what I was thinking?

DEVON
"To be born with talent is to chase perfection forever."

Diana
I can’t show you what I can do if you won’t give me the chance.

Devon
But you can’t fuck over my rep if I don’t give you the chance, either.

Diana
What have you got to lose? — I’ll be working with Charles and Peter — they’d catch me if I fell, but they won’t have to.

Devon
Cocky, aren’t you?

Diana
I’m beginning to see how these things work. You really don’t have anything to lose. If I fail, at least you have a reason to hire someone else — up until now, you would’ve had to convince Jack it was in the budget to do so.

Devon
You’ve been talking to Peter — the master of Office Politics.

Diana
(Ignoring DEVON’s statement)
But I won’t fail. I’ll be so fucking fabulous your little preconceptualizing, sexist brain will be spinning in your head.

Devon
What you don’t understand is that I’ve built this department. I’ve been with this company since there were only a few people here. I’ve built a department that we can sit around and backstab within, that we can gossip and flirt and toy and play within — but it doesn’t leave my doors. It stays here, within this department — no one anywhere else in the company knows or cares what goes on here except that we sell product. I don’t really give a shit about awards, though they look really cool on the walls — ‘cause what we’re here to do isn’t to create art — but to sell stuff, no matter whether it be dildos, dental floss, beer, or Canadian Yak shit.

Diana
I know. And that’s what I do. Or help to do at least. After all, aren’t we a team — with the rest of the company?

Devon
Yeah, but they’d love to fry our asses. They’d love to have a reason to burn my ass, just for the chance to smell the barbecuing flesh — not that they want it, but just to savor its aroma. So we have to be creative within a corporation — the ultimate oxymoron.

Diana
I can learn, I have to learn, if I’m gonna make this my career.

Devon
I’m not some sort of public school here. I don’t teach people shit they should already know.

Diana
You won’t fire me, and you’d probably complain if I tried to walk out the door. So, fine — you’ve got to put up with me then.

(DIANA and DEVON continue talking. LAURA and JAMIE are drinking and talking)

JAMIE
So what were you gonna ask me, anyhow?

LAURA
What?

JAMIE
You started saying something before saying that you thought I hated your guts worse than a prairie dog hates an eagle.

LAURA
Shit. That's right. I was gonna ask you if... if Charles and Peter are... are...

JAMIE
Yes?

LAURA
Are Charles and Peter having an affair?

Jamie
What would make you think that?

Laura
The way they are around each other, the way they look at each other, not to mention the little snickers and stuff that you and Devon share...

Jamie
Devon and I have a long history — we laugh and snicker at the weirdest things.

Laura
So what’s going on with you two, anyway?

Jamie
Nothing, absolutely nothing. We’re through.

Laura
So who are you seeing?

Jamie
No one.

Laura
You sure about that?

Jamie
What would make you even question something like that?

Laura
You just seem like the sort who’d always have some babe on your arm is all.

Jamie
“Some babe on my arm?” — My God, Laura, you’re sounding like some bad Naiad novel — y’know, the ultimate in lesbian sleaze fiction, like that damned Brett Higgins’ series.

Laura
Well, I...
(She trails off)
But you never answered my question.

Jamie
Which one was that?

Laura
Are Charles and Peter having an affair?

Jamie
Isn’t that kinda a bizarre thing for a married woman to be asking a co-worker about her husband?

Laura
This isn’t exactly a normal environment.

Jamie
I think Devon’ll warm up to Diana — whaddya think?

Laura
I think you’re trying to change the subject.

Jamie
Oh, I don’t actually have to try to do that. It comes quite naturally.

Laura
Jamie, answer the question.

Jamie
It’s one of the odd habits I have. One of many, in fact.

Laura
Answer the question.

Jamie
Strange how many habits one picks up without really ever noticing them.

Laura
Are you gonna answer the question or do I have to beat it out of you?

Jamie
That might be interesting.
(Pause)
Yes.

LAURA
(Genuinely upset)
Why that little mosquito prick...

JAMIE
Laura.

LAURA
I oughta...

JAMIE
Laura.

LAURA
Mangle him and chop him and...

JAMIE
Laura!

LAURA
What?!

JAMIE
Think about what you're saying!

LAURA
I am — first, I'm gonna kill Charles for cheating on me, and then I'm gonna kill Peter for...
(Pause. Realization hits)
Shit.
(Pause. She looks at JAMIE)
Shit. This is one fucked up situation, isn't it?

(They look at each other and burst out in laughter)

LAURA
(Shakes head)
My husband's cheating on me with my lover.
(Pause)
Or should I say my lover's cheating on me with my husband?

JAMIE
(Seductively)
Sounds like you should find yourself a new lover.

Laura
Oh really?

Jamie
Yes. That’s what it sounds like.

Laura
No advice on how to fix a marriage gone wrong? Or why I should stick it out if I still love him? There’s no kids, so you can’t exactly say we should stay together for them...

Jamie
I wouldn’t suspect you were that much in love with him if you were having an affair.

Laura
Or maybe it’s the wrong type of love.

Jamie
But that brings up the entire question of what’s the right sort, and what’s the wrong sort, of love?

Laura
(Looking deeply at JAMIE)
So what do you think I should do?

Jamie
Get yourself a new lover.

Laura
So you’ve said.

Jamie
I say what I mean — unlike others who say what you want to hear. Y’know you can trust me, especially since I’ve been drinking.

laura
Ah, so that’s it.

Jamie
Yup. I tell the truth when I’ve got a coupla in me — it’s one of my worst faults.

Laura
So, seeing as you’re drinking and therefore, according to you, tell the truth...

Jamie
You don’t believe me.

Laura
Most days I don’t believe anybody. At best, I wonder whom I should believe.

Jamie
(Toasting LAURA)
The new belief system of the 90’s — believe who you want to believe, or believe nothing at all. It’s easier that way, because you can imagine your whole life is a mere figment of your imagination. Much easier that way, really.

Laura
But you’re willing to tell the truth ‘cause you’ve been drinking.

Jamie
Yup. Why do you think company Christmas parties can be so lethal? You get all your co-workers together and drinking, and there’s no telling what truths will pop out unexpectedly. Really most awful things, truths. No one quite knows what to do with them. Personally, I just try to alleviate all the tensions by developing verbal diarrhea. My mouth goes all over the place.

Laura
I could probably find some rather interesting places for your mouth to go.

Jamie
Oh really, and just where might that be?

Laura
You said it yourself, I need to find a new lover.

Jamie
And it’s that easy?

LAURA
But what if I tell you that I am not a lesbian?

JAMIE
I'll say that I have the fullest confidence in your ability to learn quite rapidly. Would you like another drink?

LAURA
Yes, please. If only so that, in the morning, I can say "Oh, dear. I must've been drunk."

Jamie
(Getting two drinks. Sits next to LAURA. She puts her hand on LAURA’s thigh)
Have you ever done this before?

Laura
Had an affair on Charles, gotten drunk and fallen into bed with somebody, had a meaningless night of sex...

Jamie
Been with a woman.

Laura
No, that is one that I’ve missed somehow. But I’m anticipating that that’ll soon be corrected.

Jamie
(Turns to face LAURA, runs a hand down her cheek, down her breast. LAURA shudders)
So this is just a meaningless night of sex?

Laura
You’re not one of those U-Haul lesbians, are you?

Jamie
No — hey, I’ve wanted you for so long, I’ll take it any way I can get it.

Laura
You mean you’ve been walking around here with a crush on me?

Jamie
Big time.

Laura
I don’t think anybody’s ever had a crush on me before.

Jamie
(Stalking)
You just didn’t know about it.

Laura
(Pulls away from JAMIE. A little hesitant/scared)
Does Devon know how you feel?

Jamie
Yes. I won’t hurt you, you know.

Laura
Lemme guess — you’re Mostly Harmless.

Jamie
Laura, I want you so much, nothing will happen if you don’t want it to — I won’t risk long-term gain for one short night of incredibly breathless, orgasmic, excruciatingly exciting mind-blowing sex.

(LAURA watches her during that monologue, then JAMIE leans forward and kisses her)

(From the art room)

CHARLES
Will you still respect me in the morning?

PETER
I never respected you!

CHARLES
Oh, goodie!

(DEVON’s office)

DIANA
You know, we think quite a lot alike.

DEVOn
Yes, we do.
(DEVON and DIANA stare at each other, move a step closer)

Diana
Oh, you’ve got something on your tie.
(Leans forward and touches it — then runs her hands seductively down the tie)
Nice tie.

Devon
I’m rather fond of it.
(Pulls away)
You’re gonna have to work hard to fit in here.

Diana
I’m capable of working quite hard to fit in — and I really want for it to work out for me here.

(The two women stare at each other)

DEVON
This may be a bit forward, but do you live alone?

DIANA
Just me and Dante.

DEVON
Dante?

DIANA
My German shepherd. She's a little devil.

DEVON
So you like dogs and the classics?

DIANA
What do you think? That I like comic books?
(Pause. DEVON looks at her)
Okay — I occasionally read a graphic novel, but only because the artwork is absolutely fabulous.

DEVON
I won't hold it against you. After all, I do meditate in dark closets.

DIANA
I lie underneath my bed when my creativity's cramped.

(Pause. The look at each other)

DIANA
But do you want to know what the worst thing about living alone is?

DEVON
(With a laugh)
What?

DIANA
Food.
(Pause)
I'm serious — I love to cook, but since I live alone, anything I cook, I have to eat. So if I cook, I get fat.

Devon
Umm, what sort of things do you like to cook?

Diana
Well, I like fish... and chicken. Chicken Kiev, enchiladas, Denver Omelets, pan-fried salmon with a light, yet tangy, sauce, Chicken Cordon Bleu, Bouef Bourginon —
(DEVON is drooling)
And the desserts! I make this absolutely orgasmic triple chocolate mousse torte, or an excruciatingly exquisite chocolate cheesecake with an Oreo crust — topped with whipped cream — the real stuff, not that fake shit.

Devon
Uhhhhhhh...

Diana
So... are you willing to give me a try?

Devon
I’ve lived on Taco Hell for the past month. Before that, it was Mickey D’s...

Diana
(Pulling DEVON in close)
Oh, you poor baby.

Devon
Does this mean you’ll have pity on a poor lil’ Creative Director who can’t cook but has a penchant for gourmet cuisine?

Diana
(Caressing DEVON’s back)
What do you think?

DEVON
I think we'll work wonderfully together.

DIANA
Among other things as well, I suppose.

DEVON
(Looks DIANA up and down)
And just what do you mean by that?

DIANA
Well I think I'm getting an idea as to how things work around here.

DEVON
Not my fault — I'm a fairly chaste person.

DIANA
(Approaching DEVON)
Chaste makes haste.

(DEVON backs away from DIANA. She turns and sees the picture of her with JAMIE on her desk. She picks it up and looks at it)

DEVON
(Holding the picture)
Have you ever gone to the store and tried on a pair of red pants, and went home and couldn't sleep until you bought those pants? You just had to have that particular pair of pants?

DIANA
(Confused)
Not really.
(Looks at the picture)
You were with Jamie?

DEVON
(Ignores DIANA's remark)
Well then you go back to the store and discover they sold the red pants, so you have to settle for the blue ones. But then, one day, you realize nothing in your wardrobe would've gone with the red pants, so that, even though the blue pants were only your second choice, you wind up much happier with them then you ever would've been with the red pants?

DIANA
Sometimes I think people talk too much.

(DEVON looks at DIANA, then looks at the picture. DEVON throws the picture in the trash and goes back to DIANA)

DEVON
Are you seeing anyone?

DIANA
Around here, would it really matter if I was?

DEVON
To me, it would.

DIANA
I'm glad about that.

(DIANA's arms are on DEVON's shoulders. They are about to kiss, when DEVON suddenly pulls away)

DEVON
Excuse me just one moment.

(DIANA watches, amazed, as DEVON exits to the reception area. LAURA and JAMIE are giggling as they try to drink with their arms entwined. DEVON takes this and taps JAMIE on the shoulder)

JAMIE
What?

DEVON
Things are going well here, hunh?

LAURA
Yes.

(DEVON steps back and looks at LAURA and JAMIE)

DEVON
You two make a cute couple. Jamie, remember what you said about my losing myself in my work — I think I just got it. You were right.

(She goes back to DIANA in the office. LAURA and JAMIE look at each other. JAMIE shrugs)

JAMIE
(To LAURA)
Now you see — I wasn't lying about her.

LAURA
I've always believed she was an evil genius.

(LAURA and JAMIE begin to make out. DEVON approaches DIANA in the office)

Laura
Earlier tonight, Peter accused me of flirting with you.

Jamie
And were you?

Laura
Couldn’t you tell? I’ve had a crush on you for quite a while as well.

DEVON
Now, where were we?

(She approaches DIANA as if to kiss her. DIANA takes a step back)

DIANA
Except...

DEVON
(Cuts her off)
No — no — no exceptions.

(Again. This time DIANA pulls further away)

DIANA
Devon. I don't know what it is about you because I'm attracted to you both mentally and physically...

Devon
You already said we have a lot in common...

Diana
I know that, and it’s true...

Devon
(Pulls DIANA into her arms)
Someone today said that I was scared of being alone — but that’s not it...

Diana
Devon, there’s a problem.

DEVON
(With her head in her hands)
What is it?

DIANA
I'm a lesbian. Always have been, always will be.

(DEVON, stunned, looks up. She immediately goes to the reception area. She sees LAURA and JAMIE making out and is non—plussed. She pours herself a stiff drink)

DEVON
Now she tells me she's a lesbian.

(JAMIE and LAURA stop what they are doing and look up)

JAMIE
What?

DEVON
I can't even get to first base because she's a lesbian.

(DEVON downs the drink)

LAURA
Bummer. Whatcha gonna do?

DEVON
Out myself, I guess.

JAMIE
As a woman, or a lesbian?

DEVON
(Shrugs)
Both.

LAURA
Aren't you a little old to be coming out as a woman?

(DEVON ignores LAURA and goes into her office. LAURA and JAMIE go back to making out)

DEVON
Diana, there's something that I should tell you...

DIANA
What?

DEVON
Diana, I'm a lesbian.

DIANA
Oh, now, really? Are you?

DEVON
Yes, I am. So you see, it's really all right. You can go to bed with me because I am a lesbian.

(DEVON moves toward DIANA, but DIANA pushes her away)

DIANA
So prove it to me.

DEVON
Prove it to you?

DIANA
Yeah.

DEVON
You want me to prove to you that I'm a lesbian?

DIANA
That's what I just said.

DEVON
I'm telling you I'm a lesbian already!

DIANA
And I suppose this...
(Grabs DEVON's crotch, she gets a funny look on her face — a dildo and a dick really don’t feel much alike)
is just a...
(She reaches into DEVON’s pants — is this really what it feels like?)

DEVON
Ooo, baby.

DIANA
(She quickly opens DEVON’s pants and pulls the strap-on out)
...strap on. Oh shit. You are a lesbian.

DEVON
That's what I've been telling you — it's Halloween so I'm in drag.

DIANA
(Not a question)
Oh fuck what are we waiting for.

(DIANA grabs and/or throws DEVON to the floor. They start up hot and heavy)

(In the reception area, LAURA and JAMIE are making out. The door opens and JACK White enters. He looks around. LAURA and JAMIE look up at him)

JACK
(To LAURA)
I thought you were straight?

LAURA
I was.

JACK
Is there something in the water here that I should know about?

JAMIE
(Yells)
Jack's here!

(DEVON pulls herself away from DIANA and enters the reception area. DIANA follows)

DEVON
(Walking up to JACK)
Jack! Buddy! How're you doin'?

JACK
(Shaking DEVON's hand)
Fine, fine. How's Diana doing?

DEVON
(Grins)
She'll work out just fine.

JACK
Good, good. You don't mind if I join you for dinner, do you? I'm so hungry my stomach thinks my throat's been cut.

DEVON
(Looking at watch)
Shit, we've got to get going!

(CHARLES enters)

DEVON
(Yelling)
C'mon gang! We've got reservations!

(LAURA and JAMIE head down the hall, followed by CHARLES. DEVON reaches for DIANA)

JACK
Devon, you folks get going, and Diana and I will follow. I need to discuss a few last things with her.

(DEVON looks at DIANA, who nods her head. DEVON smiles)

DEVON
Take care of my new talent, Jack.

JACK
See you there, Devon.

DIANA
Bye, Devon.

(She impulsively grabs a shocked DEVON and kisses her full on the lips. DEVON exits)

DIANA
(Pointing at JACK)
You are a pain in the ass!

JACK
(Laughing)
What did I do now?

DIANA
You told me to expect the unexpected, so I did.

JACK
And what happened?

DIANA
I assumed, because of the horrendous drag, that Peter was a dyke.

(JACK laughs)

DIANA
Hold on, it gets better — I also assumed that Devon was a man.

JACK
(Laughing)
I see you've discovered differently, however.

DIANA
Sometimes I'm embarrassed to call you father — how could you never mention that gorgeous dyke to me in all the years she's worked for you?

JACK
Your mothers would've killed me.

DIANA
I've been out since I was twelve!

JACK
Eleven. We were impatiently waiting.

DIANA
I should go straight just to get even with you.

JACK
You'll make me rue the day I donated that sperm yet.

DIANA
By the way, everyone around here thinks you're straight.

JACK
Not quite everyone.

DIANA
And just what do you mean by that?

JACK
I'm not going to tell — I've got to have a few secrets. Now you go on ahead, I've got a few phone calls to make.

(DIANA hugs JACK)

DIANA
Daddy — I'm gonna love working here.
(She begins to exit)
By the way, what does B, B, and B stand for?

JACK
Baffled, Bewildered and Bemused — what else?

(DIANA laughs and exits. PETER, wearing only his underwear, opens the art room door and looks out at JACK. He covers himself with the door)

PETER
Yoo hoo! Jackie! I've been waiting for you!

(JACK looks at him and smiles as he undoes his tie)

JACK
With whom?

PETER
(Opening the door to reveal himself to JACK)
Oh, lover boy, you know you don't have any reason to be jealous — I have eyes only for you...

(PETER and JACK kiss as the LIGHTS FADE)

BLACKOUT.

END OF PLAY

 

 

 

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Books:
The Brett Higgins Motor City Thrillers: When the Dancing Stops When the Dead Speak When Some Body Disappears When Evil Changes Face
When Good Girls Go Bad When the Corpse Lies When First We Practice When It's All Relative
The Chronicles of Shawn Donnelly: It's All Smoke & Mirrors
Anthologies: Back to Basics: A Butch/Femme Anthology The Call of the Dark: Erotic Lesbian Tales of the Supernatural The Perfect Valentine
Wild Nights: (Mostly) True Stories of Women Loving Women Fantasy: Untrue Stories of Lesbian Passion
New Exploits (with Karin Kallmaker, Barbara Johnson and Julia Watts): Once Upon a Dyke: New Exploits of Fairy Tale Lesbians
Bell, Book & Dyke: New Exploits of Magical Lesbian Stake Through the Heart: New Exploits of Twilight Lesbians Tall in the Saddle: New Exploits of Wild West Lesbians